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WHAT DO I SAY TO AN ABUSIVE AND CONTROLLING MAN?


If you have a friend who tries to control his girlfriend, a brother who threatens his wife, or a coworker who abuses his partner and you don't know what to say....this information is for you.

Domestic abuse is a pattern of behavior where one partner in an intimate relationship chooses to use controlling and abusive behaviors to maintain power over the other partner. Domestic abuse may include physical, emotional or sexual abuse.


DO SAY


You're my friend but you're making some bad decisions. Get help, I'm holding you to it.

Learn to negotiate. Be fair. You don't have to win every argument.

She doesn't deserve to be treated like that.

You are frightening your wife and children.

There are consequences for this.

You are losing her love, trust and respect.

You could go to jail.

Your kids are learning how to be a man by watching you.

How would you feel if someone treated your daughter the way you treat your wife?

Stop. Think about what this is costing you.

You can't control other people's feelings or their actions, only your own.

I'm disappointed in your actions.

I don't approve of your behavior.

This isn't how to treat someone you love.


DON'T SAY


It is common for abusive and controlling men to minimize their behavior, blame it on others or just flat out deny it. People are making a choice to be abusive and are responsible for that. Do not play into their excuses.

Do not blame alcohol or drugs for his behavior. He chose to use substances.

Do not condone his behavior because of his childhood. Everyone has to make a choice about what to do as an adult, despite what they experienced as a child.

Do not excuse his actions because he is under stress. We all get stressed and we all have to choose what to do with our stress.

It is not an anger control problem. He is in control of his anger and is choosing to direct it onto his wife or girlfriend as a means of control.

It is not a communication issue. Do not refer them to couple's counseling. It is a control issue. There is an imbalance of power in the relationship.


What HELP is Available?


Emerge is an educational group offered in Jackson County for abusive and controlling men. The goals at Emerge include:

Ending intimidating behavior

Becoming a better listener

Stopping verbal abuse and criticism

Respecting differences and opinions

Giving more praise and support

Taking responsibility for his self-care

Ceasing to blame his partner or children for his feelings and behavior

Groups meet 2 hours, once a week for 48 weeks. Both day and evening groups are available. Changing controlling behavior takes a lot of work and a commitment to learning new ways to interact.

Abusers who end up in the criminal justice system will probably have to complete Emerge as a condition of probation. You can support your friend by encouraging him to get the education and change his behavior, before he gets arrested or injures his partner.


HOW CAN I HELP OVER TIME?


Once he is enrolled you can show him your support by:

Asking him what he is learning

Having him share his homework with you

Reading his accountability letters

Your support can help him in his desire to change his behavior


To find out more about the Emerge Domestic Abuse Programs, contact these agencies.

Mary Ann Terrall at (541) 772-4055

Ontrack at (541) 864-8759 or (541) 772-1777

To get more support for helping someone stop being abusive, call HelpLine at (541)779-4357