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WHAT DO I SAY TO A WOMAN I THINK IS BEING ABUSED


If someone you know is in a relationship with a partner that is using abusive and controlling behaviors, it may be hard to know what to say.

This information will help you know what to say if a friend, co-worker or family member ever asks for your help.

Many women who are in abusive relationships may disclose the abuse to a friend or family member, seeking support and validation. Your response can be one of the most important ones she receives.

This will cover some important Do's and Don'ts to help you be the best support you can.


What DO I say?


Communicate These Points:

You do not deserve this

You're not alone anymore

I'm here for you, if you need me

I will respect your decisions whether I agree with them or not and I will not try to manipulate you.

I want to be a safe person for you.

I care about you and am concerned for you. I will listen.

Being a good listener means being non-judgmental and not blaming her for the abuse.

Support her choices whether she wants to report to law enforcement or not.

She knows what is best for her and her kids and is already a survivor.

Learn all you can about domestic violence and its affects on a survivor.

Find someone that you can talk to about your feelings. It is hard to be in the role of the helper. You deserve to be supported too. You can talk with HelpLine or a Dunn House/Outreach advocate for support.


What DON'T I say?


Don't ask "why do you stay with him?" This can make her feel like she is somehow responsible for the abuse. Women stay for a lot of reasons: economics, the kids, hope, love, their faith, etc. Don’t tell her what you would have done if you were her.

Don't tell her what to do or how to feel.

Don't break her trust by sharing with others without her permission.

Don't tell her that you plan to take revenge on the perpetrator. You may increase her level of shame and add the worry of losing an important person in her life to jail or prison.

Don't tell her she is a bad mother for staying. She may be able to better protect the children in the home than if she were to leave.

Don't ask "why didn't you tell me sooner?" She is reaching out now because this is the moment she can.


What Services are Available?


24 Hour HelpLine: Peer counselors, advocacy, information, and referrals to services are available any time at (541) 779-4357 or 1-855-216-2111

Legal: If she wants to report to law enforcement she may call 911 or go to the closest police department. If eligible, she could file for a civil Restraining Order to keep the abuser away from her and help with temporary custody concerns. To find out more about Restraining Orders, the criminal process or divorce and custody options, call the Dunn House Court Advocates at 774-4986.

Shelter: Dunn House will provide a safe place to stay, food and clothing to victims of domestic violence and their children. Dunn House can be accessed through HelpLine at 779-4357 or 1-855-216-2111.

Advocacy/Support: If the victim needs support, resources or safety planning but not shelter, there are Dunn House Outreach advocacy services available. She can work with any of the advocates out in the community at the following locations:

Dunn House Court Advocates
Located in the Justice Building in Medford (541) 774-4986.

Self Sufficiency Advocate:
Housed at the Medford DHS office (541) 776-6172 x 507

Medford Police Dept. Advocate:
Bilingual advocate housed at Medford Police Department (541) 774-2288

Hispanic Services:
Provides advocacy and resources in Spanish. (541) 779-2393 x 209

Rural Advocates:
Housed at the Rogue Family Center in White City (541) 821-6053

Support Groups:
For women at any stage of the healing process. Call for times and locations (541) 779-2393 x 366